Wordplay Joke

I was fired from my job selling amplifiers.
I just didn't achieve the sufficient volume of sales.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call jewellery that keeps going missing?
Disapp-earrings

Wordplay Joke

I was doing some DIY earlier when my daughter told me she was bored.
So i nailed her to the shelf.

Wordplay Joke

Michael Owen is a clinical finisher.
He always ends up in hospital.

Wordplay Joke

A local theatre recently put me in charge of casting.
I was soon fired however when the director was taken into hospital with a fishhook through his cheek.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a wasp acting like an Apis mellifera, and thought to myself "it can't bee."

Wordplay Joke

I'm never drinking with average Joe again.
He's a mean drunk.

Wordplay Joke

I'm in prison for tiring my wife out.
Or running her over, as they call it.

Wordplay Joke

A fisherman told me I could keep everything he'd landed that day.
I thought to myself; "whats the catch?"

Wordplay Joke

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'

Wordplay Joke

Breaking news !
Man held after glue theft.

Wordplay Joke

Broken yacht, not for resale.

Wordplay Joke

I'm making a film about fuels for different vehicles...
Starring Van Diesel.

Wordplay Joke

Put a man in a room of females and it's a man among women. Add a downy and it becomes a man, a mong, women.

Wordplay Joke

I asked my dyslexic wife, "Why have you got chocolate all over your chest?"
She replied, "I'm wearing my Mars bra".

Wordplay Joke

Ed Gein was quite partial to skinny jeans.

Wordplay Joke

I walked through my front door today. I guess that means i'm a ghost then.

Wordplay Joke

I was playing poker with my mum and a couple of her friends, when they all get a hot flush.
It's the last time I play cards at the menopause support group.

Wordplay Joke

I'd like to see a musical version of "Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead". We could call it "Phantom of the Au Pair".

Wordplay Joke

iPhone autocorrect is shut. It's about as useful a sucking bank tissue.

Wordplay Joke

I met a bloke who wanted to commit suicide.
So i showed him the ropes.

Wordplay Joke

There was a queue at the boxing club.
That's the punch line.

Wordplay Joke

I just watched 'Blow: The Uncut Version'.
It was a lot more powerful than the original.

Wordplay Joke

I like Huey better than Dewey or Louie. He's just the more colourful character.

Wordplay Joke

Had a leak in my car today.
There were no bathrooms anywhere.