I was fired from my job selling amplifiers.
I just didn't achieve the sufficient volume of sales.
What do you call jewellery that keeps going missing?
I was doing some DIY earlier when my daughter told me she was bored.
So i nailed her to the shelf.
Michael Owen is a clinical finisher.
He always ends up in hospital.
A local theatre recently put me in charge of casting.
I was soon fired however when the director was taken into hospital with a fishhook through his cheek.
I saw a wasp acting like an Apis mellifera, and thought to myself "it can't bee."
I'm never drinking with average Joe again.
He's a mean drunk.
I'm in prison for tiring my wife out.
Or running her over, as they call it.
A fisherman told me I could keep everything he'd landed that day.
I thought to myself; "whats the catch?"
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'
Breaking news !
Man held after glue theft.
Broken yacht, not for resale.
I'm making a film about fuels for different vehicles...
Starring Van Diesel.
Put a man in a room of females and it's a man among women. Add a downy and it becomes a man, a mong, women.
I asked my dyslexic wife, "Why have you got chocolate all over your chest?"
She replied, "I'm wearing my Mars bra".
Ed Gein was quite partial to skinny jeans.
I walked through my front door today. I guess that means i'm a ghost then.
I was playing poker with my mum and a couple of her friends, when they all get a hot flush.
It's the last time I play cards at the menopause support group.
I'd like to see a musical version of "Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead". We could call it "Phantom of the Au Pair".
iPhone autocorrect is shut. It's about as useful a sucking bank tissue.
I met a bloke who wanted to commit suicide.
So i showed him the ropes.
There was a queue at the boxing club.
That's the punch line.
I just watched 'Blow: The Uncut Version'.
It was a lot more powerful than the original.
I like Huey better than Dewey or Louie. He's just the more colourful character.
Had a leak in my car today.
There were no bathrooms anywhere.