Wordplay Joke

So you're trying to convince me that I've turned into a non-metallic element? I wasn't boron yesterday

Wordplay Joke

Nando's - The second best way to cover your fingers in a hot birds juices.

Wordplay Joke

Hi there, don't panic, but I am in hospital after I poisoned myself. I occidentally ate what I thought was an onion, but was actually a daffodil bulb.
Doctors say I will be out in the Spring.

Wordplay Joke

My wife has got a really cracking body.
She's riddled with arthritis.

Wordplay Joke

Can anyone recommend me a good American sitcom set in a bar?
Cheers.

Wordplay Joke

My mother-in-law suffered from terrible heart burn.
I stabbed her with a red hot poker.

Wordplay Joke

A cruise ship has run aground off the coast of Italy?
That's a moor ey?

Wordplay Joke

My mate called me up this morning.
Which is strange because my name's Abe.

Wordplay Joke

I went to the zoo with my family today. Later on, I was watching the gorillas with my gran when they suddenly started mating!
It hurt at first but I think gran enjoyed it.

Wordplay Joke

If you're not made of money, why does everything cost an arm and a leg?

Wordplay Joke

Staff evacuated the Ann Summers shop in Glasgow yesterday after a bomb hoax. Probably the work of basque terrorists.

Wordplay Joke

I spelt 'cripple' using one P while playing a game of scrabble last night.
Apparently it's an invalid word.

Wordplay Joke

My little sister is going to be on big brother this Summer.
She doesn't yet know about it, but I'm not going to give her a choice.

Wordplay Joke

My friend lost an arm to a snake-bite.
He had twelve pints of it and fell through a window.

Wordplay Joke

There's an awkward time when girls don't want to use sanitary towels, but are too young to use tampons. So, I came up with the 'Tamtowel'.
It's filled a gap in the market.

Wordplay Joke

I had a continental breakfast this morning.
Tyres taste disgusting.

Wordplay Joke

The new Apple iPark holiday resort's a bit disappointing.
It only has one bar.

Wordplay Joke

Solitude.
It's not for everyone.

Wordplay Joke

After last night's fight, does anyone else want to give Harrison a smack?
Please form an Audley queue.

Wordplay Joke

A lady knocked on my door earlier today and asked me if I was interested in donating 3 a month to help people without index fingers.
What a pointless charity.

Wordplay Joke

My dad used to beat me until I was black and blue.
I wanted to be a Man Utd fan, but he said it was Inter Milan or nothing.

Wordplay Joke

A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

Wordplay Joke

The first rule of telepathy club is

Wordplay Joke

Why did the 'H' kill himself?
Because the Jihad

Wordplay Joke

My mate thought it would be funny to tip a full bottle of Lucozade over my head earlier.
That's Original, I thought to myself.