Wordplay Joke

An Australian marsupial hops into a bar and the barman says, "Wallaby?"
The marsupial says, "I'll have a pint, please."

Wordplay Joke

I usually go to my local bank just down the road, but today I walked an extra 2 miles to the one on the edge of town.
I'm branching out.

Wordplay Joke

News: Man with stutter jailed indefinitely.
He'll never reach the end of his sentence.

Wordplay Joke

Following the trend set by Steve Jobs, I've decided to start a fruit and veg company called "Laptop."

Wordplay Joke

I'll tell you what really makes my girlfriend wet.
Water.

Wordplay Joke

I bought a knock-off DVD on skydiving.
It won't stop jumping.

Wordplay Joke

Sky News: Cheryl Cole Draws In Big Crowds.
I prefer drawing when I'm on my own.

Wordplay Joke

I've joined a new club where people come to share their oxo recipes.
The London Stock Exchange

Wordplay Joke

I spent all my wages on bottles of aftershave, and now I can't afford food for the rest of the month.
I have more scents than money.

Wordplay Joke

I don't do things by halves.
Which is probably why I lost my job as a barman.

Wordplay Joke

My dyslexic dentist thinks that I have high morals.
So I need braces.

Wordplay Joke

I handed in my notice at work today.
I got rather bored of holding up that "Golf Sale" sign all day.

Wordplay Joke

I just came back from a concert in Germany. Krautsurfers everywhere.

Wordplay Joke

Someone put a note through my door this morning, it said 10-7=3.
I'm sick of these takeaway leaflets.

Wordplay Joke

My mate just told me that his light bulb had been swearing at him and calling him allsorts.
I looked at the light for a moment.
"That's not on".

Wordplay Joke

My son said, "Is it ok to make fun of the lady on CBeebies?"
I said, "Sure, I can't see any arm."

Wordplay Joke

I was playing poker with a few of my mates.
I had a bad hand, so I folded my cards.
My mate then went mad saying that he only bought the deck yesterday.

Wordplay Joke

My son does my head in sometimes. ALL I asked him to do was keep an eye on my soup so it didn't boil over while I was in the shower, but he didn't move a muscle. My wife said to cut him some slack, but he could have EASILY climbed over the wall of his cot if he wanted to

Wordplay Joke

The people in my office need to stop buying superfluous equipment. A calculator here, an abacus there... It all adds up, you know.

Wordplay Joke

To be fair, I'd have to spend a fortune on hair dye.

Wordplay Joke

Me and my friend used to spend all our time together in a treehouse but then we fell out.

Wordplay Joke

Just heard about the flooding in Ireland, apparently the water level is Dublin.

Wordplay Joke

I just bought a waffle iron. I hate creased waffles.

Wordplay Joke

Everest may not be as tall as it claims to be,
According to mountain allegations.

Wordplay Joke

I'm a borderline racist.
I hate the pakis on this side of it.