Wordplay Joke

I hate having to brush my teeth every morning.
I must be the only person in the world with hairy teeth.

Wordplay Joke

Just got myself one of those toasted sandwich makers...
Or a black girlfriend as she calls it.

Wordplay Joke

I filled my tank up with petrol this morning.
Now all the goldfish are dead.

Wordplay Joke

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Wordplay Joke

How could they tell that the bodies under Fred West's patio were women?
Because they had foundation on.

Wordplay Joke

The wife poured coffee all over me at the breakfast table this morning. I don't enjoy confrontation so I just ignored her.
Then at work my secretary poured her piping hot tea on my head! Again, to avoid confrontation I ignored her.
The last straw was when I went round to my mum's place as she was ill, and she poured lemsip straight onto me.
Honestly, woman take me for a right mug.

Wordplay Joke

They say being a hostage is difficult...
...But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Wordplay Joke

I'm an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.
You should taste my panda jam.

Wordplay Joke

I was chatting to a couple of girls today.
I said, "Give me your numbers and we can go out for a drink sometime".
One of the girls said, "Okay, give us two secs."
I said, "No problem, that's exactly what I had in mind."

Wordplay Joke

After feeling a little depressed lately, I decided to treat myself to the new Jay-Z endorsed back-scratcher.
I've got 99 problems but an itch ain't one.

Wordplay Joke

It's not hard getting to work in the snow, you just need a bit of grit.

Wordplay Joke

I don't like roller-coasters.
I'd rather my coffee was sat still on the table.

Wordplay Joke

After the N'teenth time of my nan ridiculing me for being a virgin, I lost it with her.

Wordplay Joke

My garden is only 36 inches wide, More like a yard

Wordplay Joke

On holiday, I was approached by two shady looking characters.
They sold me a lovely parasol.

Wordplay Joke

What do pikeys and wheat have in common?
They are both in bread.

Wordplay Joke

I said to my mate, "I think we should feed my wife herbicide."
He said, "weed killer?"
"My point exactly," I replied.

Wordplay Joke

I've just opened a new restaurant called Karma.
There's no menu, we just give you what you deserve.

Wordplay Joke

My friend just showed me a picture of his new girlfriend, who he says is from Eastern Europe.
I looked at the picture and said 'she looks nothing like a frog.'
'What are you on about?' He said. 'I told you she's a Tad-Polish.'

Wordplay Joke

Is nothing built in Britain nowadays?
I got a new TV the other day and on the box it said it was 'BUILT IN ANTENNA'.

Wordplay Joke

I'm sick of watching all this rubbish on the news about some killer, I would turn it off but no one can find the dam Raoul Moat.

Wordplay Joke

Katie Price and Amir Khan 'Close'
Alex Reid heard that Khan fingered Katie.
He said to Khan, "Okay, the gloves are off."
Khan said, "No they weren't."

Wordplay Joke

I got chatting to a lumberjack in a pub.
He seemed like a decent feller.

Wordplay Joke

Animal puns are not funny in any neigh, sheep or farm.

Wordplay Joke

For sale.
Modified DeLorean DMC-12.
No timewasters.