Babysitter
Best Friend's Sister
Female Colleague
Neighbour's Wife
Wife's Best Friend
That's me got my affairs in order.

My genetically engineered son is the spit of me.

The wife was doing a crossword and got stuck on, "9 letters - person shaking uncontrollably".
I said, "An epileptic fits".

My grandma refuses to grow old gracefully.
Last week she entrered a wet shawl contest.

You can't spell 'pacifist' without 'fist'...

I got jumped by a man armed with a cricket bat.
It knocked me for six.

I met this farmer and he said, "It's really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad when you've got a cow that's lactose intolerant.
I said, "Don't milk it."

Why don't men sigh?
Because we all know sighs doesn't matter.

My cousin, moshe, opens his new jewish supermarket this week...... Yidl.

Theres a thin line between madness and genius.
. and refugees going from Ethiopia to Sudan

I was visiting a brewery and got trapped in the wheat toasting room.
I was absolutely torrified!

My mate got fired from his job just for playing the organ last week....
To be fair, he was performing a heart transplant at the time.

confused Saed off eastenders favourite Michael Jackson song... im looking for a man and Amira

i didn't realize until the curtain call that the play i saw featured several epileptics...
it was a fitting end.

What goes floppy after I've had a stroke.
The left-hand side of my body.

Had an argument with the girlfriend last night.
She insisted that Americans only use notes and don't have any coins.
Hours we argued back and forth over this. In the end I gave up.
She just wouldn't see cents.

I didn't understand a single word that my new maths tutor said in my first lesson.
He may as well have been talking sin language.

I'd just like to say that I think wife-beaters are disgusting.
Why can't you put a shirt or something over it, smarten up a bit?

I went to Kwik-Fit today to get the tracking done on my car. I was very disappointed.
Turns out they could not play piano, speak Korean, knock out children OR do ventriliquism.

Hi my names Cliff. You should drop over sometime.

Do you think people read on the internet about hypochondria and worry if they have it?

Why should you never give a gingerbread man to your child?
Because he will crumb in its mouth.

I had an early morning calculus exam after a heavy night out, just left and i know i've failed.
Knew i shouldn't drink and derive.

My first wife who was Thai died last year...
Of testicular cancer.

Louie Spence has a sibling who likes to keep people waiting for dramatic effect.
S Spence.